Walls of Jericho耶利哥城墙
Tetiana was on the move all day. When there were no customers, she would rush to do some ancillary work. She would do anything to keep her hands busy. Once again today she wiped the dust off the shelves. She brought items from the warehouse, replacing those sold faster than the door could close behind the customer. She counted the items, making a list for the suppliers for the next week. The girl's bustle was accompanied by an approving look from her old colleague. Every new task that Tania invented for herself, she accepted with a mute nod, which could be considered the highest praise from her. When the working day had long since passed noon, heading for its logical end, even she could no longer stand it:
“Sweetheart,” she said to Tetiana in a voice as dry as the rustling of sand on old parchment lost in the ages, "your deeds are righteous, but sit down and rest, at least for a minute. Let your feet rest.
The girl gave a taut smile in response:
“I'll tidy up over there, and that will be all.”
A hoary, time-wrinkled hand touched Tetiana's and she carefully stepped back. She seemed to continue working, but actually she looked down at her smartphone, which had been sitting alone all day. When she looked away, she suddenly met her colleague's eyes. For a moment, she thought she saw deep reproach in her eyes. She decided to make sure she hadn't mistaken herself, but when she looked around, she realized that she was the only one left in the room.
Brushing aside her doubts, she entered the app with a quick swipe of her fingers. She typed in the search the name that had been burned into her memory and typed a short message:
“Good afternoon, my name is Tetiana”
The account makes it clear what my name is. Why did I write that, just why? Angry with herself, she was about to delete the message when the door opened. An elderly couple entered the store. Closing the messenger, the girl threw the phone into the table drawer:
“Hello, how can I help you?”
Day gave way to evening, and then came night. Unable to sleep, she laid still in bed. Her mother was up late, finishing her chores and getting her body and soul ready for the new bright day tomorrow. Tania did not want any more communication than they already had today. So she tried not to attract attention as much as possible. Analyzing her action today, she hesitated until a stern voice echoed off the walls and scattered through the room. "The Rubicon will be crossed," she decided as she was shaking her shoulder.
The app suggested that she had a new message. “It's too late to look at it today,” she decided, shifting the responsibility for her fear to circumstances. In the morning, she ignored the messenger again, and it was only a fluke that helped her. Twirling the phone in her hands, Tania accidentally opened the message and, unable to lie to a stranger, skimmed through it. Quickly clacking her fingers, she typed a reply:
“I want to book a photo shoot... a photo shoot with elements of nudity.”
Her hands were shaking, they did not want to obey in any way. As if scalded by the phone she hid it in her pocket on the third attempt. Hiding in the back room, she stuck her hands in the sink. Cold water, palms and face, she repeated circle after circle when she was no longer shaking from hypothermia. Her smartphone vibrated in her pocket, announcing a new message. It took forever for Tatiana to realize she had received a reply. She didn't know for sure, but her heart told her that the photographer had written it. Not having the energy to read now, the girl turned off her phone, promising herself she would be sure to reply tonight. Staring at the empty wall next to her, she banished any thoughts.
After work, Tanya wandered pensively through the city. Tired of life, she wanted to break the cycle of monotony, of constant grayness. Her feet took her to a clothing store. There weren't many people inside, and there was a persistent chemical odor of cheap powder in the air. On a normal day this place would have scared her away, and today she wanted to feel something new. Wandering between the racks of merchandise, she came upon a corner of long, plain dresses. Picking through them, she positioned herself sideways against the front door. As she pulled another rack over, she heard a couple of friends fly in. At first glance, they were barely eighteen, or maybe they weren't even that.
‟Air conditioner!”, the couple shrieked in unison.
‟You as you wish, but I in that heat no more”, squeaked the blonde, whose hair reached her shoulders.
‟Are you afraid that you will melt and sweat? And there will be nothing suitable at hand?”, The girl with short pink hair poked her friend.
‟Don't get ahead of me. Let's go see what we have now that we're here. Maybe you won't have to wash your knees for these clothes.”
‟You little slu”, in an attempt to get at her friend, the girl dropped the soda bottle she was holding in her hand.
‟I'd say something, but I can tell by looking at you.”
‟Hold on, someone's ass is about to get red.”
The girls' laughter spread through the hall and the couple disappeared into the depths of the store. Tanya was deep in thought, almost mechanically pulling on clothes, moving hangers from place to place. Reaching the edge of the rack she looked up and saw the couple right in front of her. The blonde was wearing a white top, her nipples showing through the light fabric and the halo of her breasts easily visible. And as short as possible white denim shorts that ended above the line of buttocks. The edge of the lacy lingerie poked out from under them.
The girl with pink hair was wearing a thin t-shirt of purple color and the same color leggings. It took Tatiana just a quick glance to see that the other had no underwear at all under her clothes. Her face probably couldn't keep the mask of equanimity on. In the next second, the pink-haired one glanced at her and asked:
‟Is something wrong?”
Tanya grabbed four hangers without a glance and ran to the fitting rooms under the cheerful, unconcealed laughter. Pulling the screen behind her, she looked in the mirror at her red, embarrassed face. Hooking the grabbed clothes on the hook, Tatiana waited for the two to leave so she could slip out of the store. During the minutes of waiting she looked at what she had grabbed. One of the racks was empty, and on the others hung unattractive, in her opinion, things. Too short and ugly. Just when she thought the girls had left, there was a squeak, followed by loud laughter, and someone scurried into the next stall. From there came a commotion. Not recognizing herself, Tanya cautiously pushed aside the dense fabric screen separating the stalls. In the one next to her, a blonde stood indignant. Water dripped from the ends of her wet hair. The front of her top was wet to the bottom. The clinging fabric clearly replicated every millimeter of her young breasts. Looking at her reflection, the blonde breathed frequently, causing her breasts to rise up and down rapidly and her nipples to protrude excitedly.
‟Are you here?”, The girl with the pink hair looked over to her friend.
‟Where else would I be. How's it going in there?”
‟Lucky. No one noticed we spilled the bubbly. Not even after your squeaky (Ahh…)”.
The blonde laughed.
‟We didn't, you did. Let's wait for me to dry off and then we'll get back on our feet. Hey, Karina, what are you doing?!”
‟As a souvenir” the girl took out her phone and took a photo.
‟Then it's better like this” the blonde brought her hands to her body and interlocked her breasts.
‟Hot girl.”
Tatiana froze, here was her chance to go away and forget this incident, but she watched the girls with interest. The blonde girl pressed herself against the mirror, arching her back seductively, scooping up her already completely wet top, playing with her breasts she flirted with the smartphone camera. Dropping an unnecessary piece of clothing instead of it used her own hands, and sometimes the curtain in the adjacent fitting room, the girl then hid behind it, exposing only one breast, then wrapped herself in the cloth, so that it was possible to make out only one silhouette.
‟I'm tired of trying to get out of it,”, said Karina.
‟There's not enough room. Do you want me to show you something?”
The blonde looked at her friend with surprise:
‟Did you really dare?”
The girl without saying a word, pulled the leggings down. Tatiana saw the smooth pubes and moved back, letting go of the fabric. But the ring on her finger caught and with a jerk of her hand she made the slit much wider.
‟Look, that weirdo was peeping at us!”
‟Hey, auntie, do you have something to show us? Where are you running off to?!”, Karina put her clothes back on and peeked out of the fitting room.
Her friends were laughing, watching the stranger run away.
‟Wait a minute!” The blonde stuck her body out into the hall, shaking her naked breasts, ‟We haven't had time to get acquainted yet.”
‟And if you behave well, she'll let you touch her,” the pink-haired girl shouted after her.
Tatiana ran away without turning around. Only at home, falling face down on the pillow she felt better. Her face was burning with shame, it was good that there was no one at home but her. Otherwise she couldn't imagine how she would explain her condition. After lying down for an hour, she decided to get up and go to the window. The most ordinary August evening was beginning outside. But not for me decided the girl. Obeying the desire that came along with the wave of warmth. The girl crossed the cramped one-room apartment and approached the folding mirror.
Humming a soothing tune under her breath, she took off her clothes without haste. The slim, reed-like girl had a frail figure, her pale, thin arms and legs seemed almost lifeless in the bright sun, and her neck was so thin you could easily wrap your fingers around it. Against the background of her body, left in her underwear, her face looked much longer. The girl's hooked nose was slightly bent downward, making Tanya resemble a bird. It emphasized, despite her not so young age, her childlike innocence and vulnerability at the same time. Carefully folding the removed clothes she aligned herself like a string, giving the impression that she had only recently graduated from the school of noble maidens of the Victorian era and had moved through time in a way unknown to everyone. Spinning around, looking at herself from different angles she decided to take off her underwear. And now standing close to the mirror, as it seemed to her, she was reacquainting herself with her body.
Face, neck, shoulders, everything was well known, but more attention, she thought she should pay to what was safely hidden from view. Uncertainly, clumsily, she ran her hand over her breasts, pressing lightly, marveling at their firmness, to which she had never paid attention before. She ran her finger along the hollow between her breasts, finding four moles that didn't seem to be there. “Although these two were” thought Tanya touching the upper ones. “This one didn't” her finger pressed on the middle one. “Or conversely the bottom one wasn't there” embarrassed at not remembering exactly and she left them alone. Gently running her fingers in a circle she explored her breasts, driving them from side to side, up and down, paying special attention to her nipples, trying to make them as aroused as that blonde. Raising her arms above her head she spun around the room, catching her reflection. Running her hands over her tummy, she looked at her pubes. Not as well groomed as that girl's, but she'd fix that for the photo shoot. Exactly, Tatiana clapped herself lightly on the cheek, the photographer is waiting for an answer. Remaining unclothed the girl took a smartphone in her hands.
“I noticed that you do not often go to messenger. I suggest to call and discuss photography specifically.”
Having finished reading the message the girl hurriedly typed in the phone number. In response, she received a short message:
“In 5 minutes I will dial.”
While waiting for the call Tatiana spun in front of the mirror like a light feather. A silent vibration, an unknown number appeared on the display. As if throwing herself into ice-cold water, she picked up the phone:
“Hello.”
“Good evening.”
From the smartphone came a pleasant male voice. Overpowering herself, so that at this stage escape the girl fell out:
“I want to order a photo session with nude elements.”
Because of the pause Tatiana nervously concluded that some notes of her voice did not like the interlocutor. Or he was just thinking, she reassured herself.
“Tanya, do you mind if we be on familiar terms with you?”
“I what... and no... of course I don't mind.”
“Okay. Describe how you see it? Do you have an image of future beauty in your head? If not, don't worry, you and I will come up with something that suits your interests.”
“I've been thinking about it. For a long time. So I really know what I want.”
“Then I'm listening attentively”, I could tell from his voice that the man on the other side was smiling encouragingly.
“But I'm warning you, I'm going to be very shy.”
“Well, don't worry, we'll work it out. I have a solution for that too.”
Tatiana was satisfied with this answer, so she nodded her head and began to describe her vision, her cheeks occasionally blushing.
After the end of the conversation, the final result of which was the agreement of date, time and place, the girl leaned her head against the wall and calmed herself.
The days raced by on the broken record of life. Drops-seconds flowed into minutes of waiting, turning into unbearable hours. Hours that separated the girl from her cherished dream. An early rise would start a new day. But today was going to be special. All the same actions, clothes, conversations, the start of the work day. But as the time “X” approached, everything started to turn into something new. For the first time in all her years of working at the shop, Tanya gave her colleague advance warning that she would be leaving early. Calling a cab, she went to a new place for herself, where her life had never taken her before.
While waiting for the photographer, she looked at the lonely passersby, who in T-shirts, shorts, light dresses were going about their business on an August day. A car pulled up beside her, and a man with a pleasant appearance gallantly opened the front passenger door.
“Have you ever been to Old Kodaki before?”, Inviting her to sit down, he asked.
Tatiana shook her head:
“I haven't traveled much, even around my hometown.”
“Maybe as a relaxing music in the background?”
The girl again gave a negative answer. The photographer drove the car slowly along the dirt road. He did not look at her with heightened interest, did not ask any questions, kept with her politely and kindly. He calmly told me about something from his life. Tanya listened, and the excitement made her lose the meaning of what he said. Which made her feel slightly ashamed. What will happen when they get there? You know what will happen, she answered herself without letting go, you were preparing yourself morally for it. But did it make her more prepared? About this she tried not to speculate.
“What do you think?”, The man pointed to a high hill with the river just behind it.
“It's like something out of my mind. And the place.”
“It's sparsely populated. You don't usually go this far,” the photographer got out of the car ahead of the question.
Tatiana followed his example. After a few steps, she turned around. She took a deep breath, like a swimmer before diving in, but with an exhalation, her lips quivering with excitement, she stretched out:
“I'm ready.”
“That's good” One quick glance at her was enough to know her statement was wrong, but under no circumstances would he have said it to her face.
“Because I, still need a few more minutes. As agreed, I've got some things, pick out what you like.”
With those words, he pulled a camping bag out of the back seat and set it on the trunk. To stay out of the way, the man stepped back pretending to adjust his camera. Setting himself the goal of letting the girl get used to his presence, the stares. Meanwhile, he studied her.
Despite the heat, the girl was wearing a tight brown dress. It had a simple cut and reached to the floor hiding closed shoes, and from above it reached to the chin hiding the neck behind the collar.
She nervously twirled the outfits around in her hands, trying to find a bit of calm in her movements. Despite her excitement, she continued to search, to choose, making Herculean efforts. “Blessed be...” part of a memory burst into her brain. Suppressing it, shoving it beyond consciousness she moved her hand down:
“Chosen.”
Holding in her hands a light transparent blouse of light color with decorative flounces on the shoulders, which went down to the bottom into the side seam, her face flooded with the color of embarrassment. Frowning, Tatiana stood waiting for instructions.
“Change.”
The girl's face flushed and she began to follow the order. Feeling her inner resistance growing, Tanya fought against it. The annoying memory instantly felt the weakness and tried to flood the girl's mind again, to throw her off the chosen path, to convince her that what was happening was not what she wanted. The movements slowed the closer they got to the clothes. A lone tear of helplessness protruded and rolled down Tatiana's cheek. “Blessed be my baby...” slipped repeatedly out of oblivion. “I know what I want,” fought off the ghostly voice the girl kicked off her shoes. Grabbing her dress she pulled it off over her head. Throwing a glance at the photographer, her face flushed even more.
Looking directly at the man she put her hands behind her back.
“Wait, leave the underwear on for now. Let's start taking pictures with him,” the photographer's voice sounded as soft and friendly as possible, but he was ready to swear that he heard her relieved exhalation, “Put on the blouse.”
The girl obediently complied with the order, and then seemed to freeze as if waiting for the next instruction. “What do I do next?” panic covered her face with a new wave of shame. The man wasted no time carefully, so as not to frighten the client, came closer, picking up the words in his head:
“Tanya, you look good. The blouse is perfectly sized and suits your eyes. Let's start here.”
Taking a step in the direction indicated, she tied her will in a tight knot. Follow the instructions, listen to the photographer, repeat after him, think of nothing and remember nothing. The man showed her how to stand, which way to look, how to hold her hands. She repeated the command in full measure. Shame stiffened the girl's face. But it did not belong to her now. It, like everything else listened and obeyed his command.
A shot, a shot, another shot. The photographer showed her how to change the pose and she obediently repeated it. The first ten shots and he shows her that it's time to take off her bra. Obediently, the girl removed the extra piece of clothing. Wrapped herself in a half turn, following his prompting. The fabric stretched over her breasts, lightly showing through them. But no need to pay attention to it. Because he'd said this was the way to become. He'd ordered it, but Tatiana had asked for it, she'd craved it herself, and now she must fulfill it. Must reach the end, to the cherished photo that had been confusing her mind and soul for months, to gain true freedom.
He says the compliment, and embarrassment fills her ears, muffling any sound. Indicating that she should now turn to face him and tilt her head to the side in a slight, flirtatious way. Tanya follows his instructions.
The photographer shows something with his hand. She does not understand, does not understand his words. The man approaches, barely touching her with his fingers, moves her a meter to the side. He shows her how to fold her hands in front of her so that the silhouette of her breasts can be clearly seen above them and takes his position again.
The girl, still blushing, complies with the instructions. Gradually, along with the rustling of the wild wind over the hills, her hearing returns to her. She can already hear, so she obeys his words more quickly. Unexpectedly, Tanya realizes that the blouse is pleasantly enveloping her body, but not as pleasant as the photographer's touch.
The man tells her to pull up her panties, exposing more of her buttocks, and she does. He smiles affectionately and gives the girl a compliment again, this time she hears it and is embarrassed by the pleasant words. Dragging a backpack from the car he offers to take some of the items in his hands. Oh no, the girl thinks, not the mirror, I'll faint if I look at my reflection right now. I'm ready to see myself in pictures, but later, not in the process, not in this moment. The apple, too, was not to her liking, causing a haunting association. She opts for a book.
The photographer shows her how best to pose with it and she obeys. At one point, when he approaches too, she inhales his perfume and the scent amuses her. The next prompt and only her panties remain on. She doesn't turn away, doesn't hide, stands looking straight at the photographer. Her lips are treacherously folded into a thin line of contempt. For a moment it seems as if he and his camera set out to rape her. “I'm a doll, just a doll” she whispers soothingly to herself, assuring herself that the man is not defiling her, but pulling invisible strings. That she deliberately went along with it.
The two of them gradually climb the hill without stopping the photo shoot for a second. She poses, running her hands over her hips, then hiding, then mysteriously beckoning breasts, emphasizing details, and all thanks to him. Thanks to the photographer's reverent attitude to exposing the frame and delicate treatment of every part of the girl's body. Climbing to the top, she exhales air from her lungs gazing at the river spreading below, her hands slowly traveling from her breasts downward clinging to the edge of her panties and pulling them down.
“Ready,” Tanya whispers.
A memory flashes in her mind: a store, two girls behind a screen of dense fabric, a blonde with a wet top that stuck indecently to her young breasts and her pink-haired friend with a smooth pubis and something interesting that she hastily showed, but Tatiana could not see. Freezing, she lifted her hands up, winding them back. Her hair, loose in the breeze, frames her face. He travels down her body, closing her eyes, she enjoys his breath. A man quietly approached from the side. Raising her arms a little higher, he picks up the unruly strands of hair behind the girl's ear, but she resists, releasing them, letting the wind continue to play with it. The photographer's hand moves an inch up the girl's chin, and this time she obeys. His touch knocks the breath away. It's as if all the air from her lungs has been sucked out of her lungs at once, replaced with a stick mixture. The photographer's touch is pleasantly scalding, as if molten wax dripped from his fingers dripping onto the girl's body. Stepping back he photographs her from the side. Her pose, her gestures become a symbol of a sense of freedom, of future possibilities and independence. She feels that the world lies before her, ready to be explored and conquered. Her posture expresses confidence and readiness to take on life's challenges. She felt weightless and only the camera kept her from being torn from the ground by a rushing gust of wind that carried her over the horizon. The camera and his gaze.
Turning to the man, Tanya was smiling happily, her face shining, from which the embarrassed redness still did not want to come off. The photographer approached and showed the shots that had just been taken. The girl looked carefully, choosing one of the shots, here it was for the sake of him she overcame her inner resistance. The dream was realized.
On the way back to the city, relaxed she sat in the front seat:
“Thank you. Thank you very much.”
“Thank you too,” the photographer smiled affectionately, “You'll get good shots.”
She paused for a minute, while a whirlwind of thoughts raced through her head, and then she made up her mind:
“No, you don't understand”, forgetting that they had switched to “you” the girl began, “I'm already 29 years old. And... and you're the first man who's ever seen me like this, who's ever seen me naked.”
“What do you mean?”, Taking his eyes off the road, the photographer looked at the girl, his eyebrows raised in surprise.
“I come from a religious family. A harsher woman than my mother, you'd be hard pressed to find. I never met my father. Any mention of him was taboo. From a very young age she brought me up in a strict framework with a religious emphasis, with rules that must never be broken,” she continued, “I have never kissed anyone, I have never been with any man. I'm still untouched. What's more, I've never been in a relationship. And as you may already realize I have never been seen naked by any man. My whole life was highly regimented. I studied where my mother told me to, I went where she told me to go with the feeling that I had to do it for her and for her sake. After graduation, I started working in a church store in the company of a picky old woman who had probably lived through the Crusades. Mom had worked there before me, and then decided to pass that responsibility on to her daughter.”
Tatiana pulled a wildflower from her pocket, plucked from the hill. She brought it to her eyes. The photographer waited silently, afraid to disturb her confession.
“I realize that now, like this flower, I am at the height of beauty. Perhaps even at the last stage. And later on, I will be. I won't be as beautiful as I am now,” Tatiana's voice trembled as she turned away to the window, “And this photo shoot is a protest. A protest against my upbringing. A protest against the system in which I was tortured since childhood, in which I was broken. In fact, it took me a long time to take this step. And you know what – I want you to put these pictures on your page. Especially the last one. I fell asleep and woke up thinking about it, working, eating lunch and praying with my mother, and in my mind I was deciding, crying and suffering unable to overcome myself.”
Turning to face the photographer, a glow of bright lights flashed in her eyes, and her voice took on a strength unheard of before:
“I want everyone to see my pictures, including my mom. Even if she tells me to get the hell out of her apartment and her life. Even if she says I'm not her daughter anymore. I can't keep lying to myself like everything is normal. It's not! It's not normal. You know what she calls my virginity? The walls of Jericho that must fall before the righteous. No support, no understanding! Just rules, prohibitions, taboos and punishments. No, I won't even wait for her to kick me out. I'll leave on my own. I packed my things in the spring and I didn't dare, I was afraid. But now I have nothing to be afraid of. Recently, a former classmate invited me to an interview, I said I'd think about it. Now I think it's a great idea. Bye-bye church store! Goodbye limited life.”
Finished, she looked out the window again, the city was starting up ahead. The man with his hands on the steering wheel carefully drove the car through the busy traffic. Reflecting on what he had heard, he remained silent. Not an ordinary situation for him.
“Excuse me...”
“We agreed to use the first name during the phone conversation.”
“I'm sorry, I must have said something stupid. But I needed to talk. In fact, I have no one to talk to. I haven't made any girlfriends over the years. I'm not surprised, though, and the ones I have… are just as bogged down by life as I am.”
“You have nothing to apologize for. It's important to you. The photo shoot and then confession was an important step in your life. I promise – your photos will show up on my page and also on the app.”
“Do I have to pay for that?”
“Don't be ridiculous. Also, I have a proposition. A good friend of mine is organizing an exhibition of my work in the gallery. If you don't mind, I'd like to exhibit a photo from the top of the hill.”
“Interesting idea”, Tanya smiled at her own reflection in the window glass – I agree.
The August sun hiding behind the horizon gave the last rays to the girl who, as if looking into the distance, accidentally put her hand on the man's knee, burning with a pleasant touch.
Tetiana 整天都在奔波。没有顾客的时候,她会赶去做一些辅助工作。只要能让双手忙碌起来,她什么都愿意做。今天,她又一次擦去了货架上的灰尘。她从仓库里搬来商品,以比顾客身后的门更快的速度替换卖出的商品。她清点物品,为供应商列出下周的清单。在女孩忙碌的同时,她的老同事也投来了赞许的目光。塔妮娅为自己发明的每一项新任务,她都会默默地点头接受,这可以说是对她的最高褒奖。当一天的工作早已过了中午,进入了理所当然的尾声时,连她自己也无法忍受了:
“亲爱的,”她对特提亚娜说,声音干涩得就像湮没在岁月中的古老羊皮纸上沙沙作响,"你的行为是正义的,但坐下来休息一下吧,至少休息一分钟。让你的脚休息一下。
女孩绷着脸笑着回应:
“我去那边收拾一下,就这样”。
一只苍老的、布满岁月皱纹的手碰了碰特提亚娜的手,她小心翼翼地后退了一步。她似乎在继续工作,但实际上,她低头看了看自己的智能手机,它已经孤独地放了一整天。当她移开目光时,突然与同事的眼睛对上了。有那么一瞬间,她以为自己在她的眼中看到了深深的责备。她决定确认自己没有看错,但当她环顾四周时,她发现房间里只剩下她一个人了。
抛开疑虑,她用手指快速滑动,进入了应用程序。她在搜索中输入了那个已经烙印在她记忆中的名字,并输入了一条简短的信息:
“下午好,我叫泰蒂娜”
账户上写得一清二楚,我叫什么名字?我为什么要这么写?她很生气,正要删除信息,门开了。一对老年夫妇走进了商店。关上信箱,女孩把手机扔进了桌子的抽屉里:
“你好,有什么能帮到你?”
白天过去了,晚上来临了。她无法入睡,静静地躺在床上。她的母亲很晚才睡,做完了家务,让她的身体和灵魂为明天新的明亮的一天做好准备。塔妮娅不想再有比今天更多的交流了。因此,她尽量不引起别人的注意。分析着自己今天的行动,她犹豫不决,直到一个严厉的声音在墙壁上回响,散布在房间里。“卢比孔河将被跨越。”她一边决定,一边摇晃着肩膀。
应用程序提示她有一条新信息。“今天再看已经太晚了,”她决定,把恐惧的责任推给环境。早上,她再次忽略了信使,只是侥幸帮了她一把。塔妮娅把手机拿在手里转了转,无意中打开了信息,由于不忍心对陌生人撒谎,她粗略地浏览了一遍。她快速地敲击着手指,输入了一条回复:
“我想预订一组照片......一组有裸露元素的照片”。
她的手在颤抖,无论如何也不听使唤。第三次尝试时,她好像被手机烫伤了一样,把手机藏进了口袋。躲进里屋,她把手伸进水池里。冷水、手掌和脸,她一圈又一圈地重复着,直到不再因体温过低而颤抖。她口袋里的智能手机震动了一下,显示有一条新信息。塔蒂亚娜过了很久才意识到自己收到了回复。她不确定,但她的心告诉她,是摄影师写的。女孩现在没有精力去看,她关掉了手机,向自己保证今晚一定会回复。盯着旁边空荡荡的墙壁,她抛开了一切杂念。
下班后,坦尼娅在城市中漫步。她厌倦了生活,想打破单调、灰暗的循环。她的脚步把她带到了一家服装店。店里人不多,空气中弥漫着一股廉价粉末的化学气味。平日里,这个地方会把她吓跑,而今天,她想感受一些新的东西。她在货架间徘徊,看到一角摆放着素色长裙。她一边挑选,一边侧身靠着前门。当她拉过另一个货架时,听到一对朋友飞奔而来。乍一看,他们还不到十八岁,或许还没到十八岁。
“空调!”,这对夫妇异口同声地叫道。
“随你便,但我再也受不了这么热的天气了。”头发长到肩膀的金发女郎尖叫道。
"你们害怕自己会融化和出汗吗?手边没有合适的东西吗?"粉色短发女孩捅了捅她的朋友。
"别抢在我前面。既然来了,就去看看有什么吧。也许你不用为这些衣服洗膝盖了。"
“你这个小贱人”,为了报复她的朋友,女孩扔掉了手里的汽水瓶。
“我想说点什么,但我一看你就知道了。”
“等等,有人的屁股要红了。”
女孩们的笑声传遍了大厅,这对情侣也消失在商店深处。塔尼娅陷入了沉思,几乎是机械地拉着衣服,把衣架从一个地方挪到另一个地方。走到衣架边时,她抬起头,看到那对情侣就在她面前。金发女郎穿着一件白色上衣,乳头从轻薄的布料中露出来,乳晕清晰可见。白色牛仔短裤尽可能地短,短裤的长度超过臀部的线条。蕾丝内衣的边缘从短裤下露出来。
粉发女孩穿着一件紫色的薄 T 恤和同色的紧身裤。塔蒂亚娜只看了一眼,就发现对方的衣服下面根本没有内衣。她的脸可能无法保持平静的面具。下一秒,粉色头发的那位瞥了她一眼,问道:
“出什么事了吗?”
坦尼娅看也不看一眼,抓起四个衣架,在欢快、毫不掩饰的笑声中跑向试衣间。拉开身后的纱窗,她看着镜子里自己红红的、尴尬的脸。把抓来的衣服挂在挂钩上,塔蒂亚娜等待着两人离开,这样她就可以溜出店门了。在等待的几分钟里,她看了看自己抢到的东西。其中一个架子是空的,其他架子上挂着在她看来不好看的东西。又短又丑。就在她以为女孩们已经离开的时候,“吱 ”的一声,接着是一阵大笑声,有人窜进了隔壁的货架。从那里传来一阵骚动。坦尼娅没有认出自己,小心翼翼地推开了隔开摊位的密布屏风。在她旁边的那个摊位上,一个金发女郎愤愤不平地站着。水从她湿漉漉的发梢滴落。她的上衣前襟湿透了。贴身的布料清晰地再现了她年轻乳房的每一寸肌肤。看着自己的倒影,金发女郎频频呼吸,导致乳房快速上下起伏,乳头兴奋地凸起。
“你在这里吗?”,粉发女孩看向她的朋友。
"我还能在哪儿呢。里面怎么样?"
"很幸运。没人注意到我们打翻了气泡酒。在你尖叫之后也没人发现。
金发女郎笑了。
"不是我们,是你。等我擦干了,我们再重新站起来。嘿,卡琳娜,你在干什么?
“留个纪念。”女孩拿出手机拍了一张照片。
“那最好是这样”,金发女郎把手伸向自己的身体,双乳交错。
“辣妹”
塔蒂亚娜愣住了,这是她离开并忘记这件事的机会,但她还是饶有兴趣地看着女孩们。金发女孩把自己贴在镜子上,诱人地弓起背,舀起已经完全湿透的上衣,玩弄着自己的乳房,她对着智能手机摄像头调情。扔掉一件多余的衣服,而不是用自己的双手,有时还把旁边试衣间的帘子拉上,然后躲在帘子后面,只露出一个乳房,然后用布把自己裹起来,这样就只能看到一个轮廓了。
卡琳娜说:"我已经厌倦了试图摆脱它。
空间不够了。你想让我给你看点东西吗?
金发女郎惊讶地看着她的朋友:
你真的敢吗?
女孩二话不说,就把紧身裤拉了下来。塔蒂亚娜看到了光滑的阴毛,她往后退了一步,松开了布料。但她手指上的戒指卡住了,手一抖,缝隙就大了许多。
“看,那个怪人在偷看我们!”
"嘿,阿姨,你有东西给我们看吗?你跑哪儿去了!"卡琳娜重新穿上衣服,从试衣间里探出头来。
她的朋友们都在笑,看着这个陌生人跑开了。
“等一下!” 金发女郎把身体伸出大厅,晃动着赤裸的胸部,“我们还没来得及熟悉呢。”
“如果你表现好,她会让你摸她的。”粉发女孩在后面喊道。
塔蒂亚娜头也不回地跑开了。只有在家里,脸朝下倒在枕头上,她才觉得好受些。她的脸羞得发烫,好在家里除了她没有别人。否则,她真不知道该如何解释自己的状况。躺了一个小时后,她决定起身走到窗前。窗外正迎来八月最普通的夜晚。但女孩决定,这不是为了我。她顺从了伴随着暖流而来的愿望。女孩穿过狭窄的单间公寓,走到折叠镜前。
她口中哼着舒缓的小调,不慌不忙地脱掉衣服。这个纤细如芦苇的女孩身材羸弱,苍白瘦弱的胳膊和腿在明媚的阳光下显得几乎毫无生气,她的脖子细得可以用手指轻松绕过。在她只穿着内衣的身体背景下,她的脸显得更加修长。女孩钩形的鼻子微微向下弯曲,让坦尼娅看起来像一只鸟。尽管她的年龄已经不小了,但这同时凸显了她的童真和脆弱。她小心翼翼地叠好脱下的衣服,像一根琴弦一样排列整齐,给人的感觉就像她刚从维多利亚时代的贵族少女学校毕业不久,以一种不为人知的方式穿越了时空。她转了一圈,从不同角度审视自己,决定脱掉内衣。现在,她站在镜子前,似乎在重新认识自己的身体。
脸、脖子、肩膀,一切都很清楚,但她认为自己应该更加关注那些被安全地隐藏起来的部位。她不确定地、笨拙地用手抚摸着自己的乳房,轻轻地按压着,惊叹于乳房的坚挺,她以前从未注意过这一点。她的手指沿着乳房之间的凹陷摸索,发现了四颗似乎并不存在的痣。“虽然这两个是”,坦尼娅摸着上面的痣想。“这颗没有”,她的手指按在中间那颗上。“反过来说,下面那颗也没有。”因为记不清楚了,她有些不好意思,就没再去管它们。她的手指轻轻地在乳房上划着圈,左右、上下地抚摸着,特别注意乳头,试图让它们像那位金发女郎一样勃起。她将双臂举过头顶,在房间里转了一圈,捕捉到了自己的倒影。她用手抚摸着自己的腹部,看着自己的阴毛。她的阴毛没有那个女孩的那么整齐,但她会在拍照时解决这个问题。没错,塔蒂亚娜轻轻拍了拍自己的脸颊,摄影师正在等着她的回答。女孩没有穿衣服,手里拿着一部智能手机。
"我注意到您不常使用信使。我建议您打个电话,专门讨论一下摄影问题"。
看完信息后,女孩急忙输入了电话号码。她收到了一条短信息:
“5 分钟后我将拨通”。
在等待电话的过程中,塔蒂亚娜像一片轻盈的羽毛在镜子前旋转。一阵无声的震动,一个陌生号码出现在显示屏上。就像把自己扔进冰水里一样,她拿起了电话:
“喂”
“晚上好。”
智能手机里传来一个悦耳的男声。压倒了自己,以至于在这个阶段逃跑的女孩摔了出去:
“我想订购一张裸体照片”
由于停顿了一下,塔吉娅娜紧张地断定,她声音中的某些音符不喜欢对话者。或者他只是在思考,她这样安慰自己。
“塔尼娅,你不介意我们熟悉一下吧?”
“我什么......不......当然不介意。”
好吧 描述一下你是怎么看的?你脑子里有未来美女的形象吗?如果没有,别担心,你和我会想出符合你兴趣的东西的。"
"我一直在考虑。想了很久。所以我真的知道自己想要什么。"
“那我就认真听了。”从他的声音中,我听出对面的男人正露出鼓励的微笑。
“不过我警告你,我会很害羞的。”
"嗯,别担心,我们会解决的。我也有办法。"
塔蒂亚娜对这个答案很满意,于是她点点头,开始描述自己的设想,脸颊不时泛起红晕。
谈话结束后,最后的结果是商定了日期、时间和地点,女孩把头靠在墙上,平静了下来。
日子在破碎的生命记录中飞速流逝。滴滴答答的秒钟流淌成等待的分钟,变成难以忍受的小时。这几个小时将女孩与她珍爱的梦想隔开。早起将开始新的一天。但今天会很特别。同样的动作,同样的衣服,同样的对话,同样的工作日的开始。但随着时间 “X ”的临近,一切都开始变得焕然一新。坦尼娅在店里工作了这么多年,第一次提前通知同事她要早退。她叫了一辆出租车,去了一个她从未去过的新地方。
在等待摄影师的过程中,她看着孤独的路人,在八月的一天,他们穿着 T 恤、短裤和轻便的连衣裙,各自忙着自己的事情。一辆汽车停在了她的身边,一位相貌堂堂的男子殷勤地打开了前排乘客的车门。
“你以前来过老科达基吗?”他请她坐下,问道。
塔蒂亚娜摇了摇头:
“我没怎么去过,甚至连家乡附近都没去过。”
“也许可以当背景音乐放松一下?”
女孩再次给出了否定的答案。摄影师开着车在土路上慢慢行驶。他没有兴致勃勃地看着她,也没有问任何问题,一直礼貌而亲切地陪着她。他平静地向我讲述了他生活中的一些事情。塔尼娅听着听着,激动的心情让她听不懂他在说什么。这让她感到有些羞愧。他们到了那里会发生什么?你知道会发生什么,她毫不放松地回答自己,你已经做好了道义上的准备。但这是否让她更有心理准备呢?对此,她尽量不去猜测。
“你觉得呢?”男人指着一座高山,山后就是河流。
"这就像我脑海中的东西。还有这个地方
"这里人烟稀少。你通常不会去这么远的地方。"摄影师抢先下了车。
塔蒂亚娜也学着他的样子下了车。走了几步,她转过身来。她深吸了一口气,就像游泳运动员在跳水前一样,但随着呼气,她的嘴唇因兴奋而颤抖,她伸了个懒腰:
“我准备好了”
“那就好。”匆匆看了她一眼,就知道她的说法不对,但无论如何,他都不会当着她的面这么说。
"因为我,还需要几分钟。按照约定,我有些东西,你挑挑喜欢的吧。"
说着,他从后座拿出一个野营包,放在后备箱上。为了不碍事,男人退后一步假装调整相机。他给自己设定的目标是,让女孩习惯他的存在和注视。同时,他也在研究她。
尽管天气炎热,女孩还是穿着一件紧身的棕色连衣裙。裙子的剪裁很简单,一直延伸到地板,掩盖了紧闭的鞋子,从上面一直延伸到下巴,掩盖了衣领后面的脖子。
她紧张地把衣服在手里转来转去,试图在动作中找到一丝平静。尽管心情激动,她还是继续寻找、选择,付出了巨大的努力。“有福了...... ”她脑中迸发出部分记忆。她压制住它,把它塞到意识之外,然后把手向下移动:
“天选之人”。
她手里拿着一件浅色透明上衣,肩部有装饰性的飘带,一直延伸到底部的侧缝,她的脸上泛起了尴尬的颜色。塔蒂亚娜皱着眉头,站在一旁等待指示。
“换衣服。”
女孩的脸红了,她开始听从命令。塔尼娅感觉到内心的抵触情绪越来越强烈,她奋力反抗。恼人的记忆立刻感受到了她的软弱,试图再次涌入女孩的脑海,让她偏离自己选择的道路,让她相信眼前发生的一切并不是她想要的。离衣服越近,动作就越慢。一滴无助的泪水突兀地从塔蒂亚娜的脸颊滚落下来。“祝福我的宝贝...... ”在遗忘中反复滑落。“我知道我想要什么。”抵挡住幽幽的声音,女孩踢掉了鞋子。她抓起裙子,把它扯下来套在头上。看了一眼摄影师,她的脸更红了。
她直视着那个男人,把双手放在背后。
"等等,先别穿内衣。我们开始和他拍照吧。“摄影师的声音听起来尽量柔和友好,但他准备发誓,他听到了她如释重负的呼气声,”把上衣穿上。"
女孩顺从地遵从了命令,然后似乎愣住了,好像在等待下一个指令。“接下来我该怎么办?”恐慌让她的脸上布满了新一轮的羞愧。男人不紧不慢地小心翼翼地走近,为了不惊吓到客户,他在脑子里接上了话:
"塔尼娅,你看起来不错。上衣的尺寸很合适,也很衬你的眼睛。我们就从这里开始吧。
她朝着指示的方向迈出一步,将自己的意志紧紧地打了个结。按照指示,听摄影师的话,跟着他重复,什么也不要想,什么也不要记。摄影师教她如何站立、朝哪个方向看、如何握住双手。她全神贯注地重复着命令。羞愧让女孩的脸变得僵硬。但现在她的脸上已经没有羞愧了。它和其他一切一样,听从他的命令。
一个镜头,一个镜头,又一个镜头。摄影师教她如何变换姿势,她也顺从地重复着。拍了前十张,他告诉她该脱掉胸罩了。女孩顺从地脱掉了多余的衣服。按照他的提示,把自己裹了个半转身。布料在她的乳房上延伸,轻轻地透了出来。但不必在意。因为他说过,这就是成为女人的方式。这是他的命令,也是塔狄安娜的要求,是她自己渴望的,现在她必须实现它。必须到达终点,到达那张几个月来一直困惑着她的心灵和灵魂的珍贵照片,以获得真正的自由。
他说了一句赞美的话,尴尬充斥着她的耳朵,掩盖了任何声音。他示意她现在应该转过身来面对他,将头微微侧向一边,以示挑逗。塔尼娅听从了他的指示。
摄影师用手比划着什么。她不明白,也听不懂他的话。男人走近她,手指几乎没有碰到她,把她往旁边挪了一米。他教她如何将双手叠放在身前,这样就可以清楚地看到她胸部的轮廓,然后再次站到他的位置上。
女孩仍然羞红着脸,遵照指示做着。渐渐地,伴随着山间野风的沙沙声,她的听力恢复了。她已经能听见了,所以她更快地听从了他的话。塔尼娅意外地发现,上衣正愉快地包裹着她的身体,但不如摄影师的抚摸来得惬意。
男人让她拉起内裤,露出更多臀部,她照做了。他亲切地笑着,再次夸奖了女孩,这次她听到了,并被这愉快的话语弄得不好意思。他从车里拖出一个背包,提议拿一些东西在手里。哦,不,女孩想,不要照镜子,如果现在照镜子,我会晕倒的。我已经准备好看照片上的自己了,但要等会儿,不要在这个过程中,也不要在这一刻。苹果也不对她的胃口,让她产生了纠结的联想。她选择了一本书。
摄影师教她如何摆出最美的姿势,她顺从了。有一次,当他也走近时,她吸到了他的香水味,这种气味让她很开心。下一次提示时,她只穿了内裤。她没有转过身去,也没有躲避,而是直直地看着摄影师。她的嘴唇诡谲地褶皱成一条轻蔑的细线。有那么一瞬间,仿佛他和他的相机是要强奸她。“我是个洋娃娃,只是个洋娃娃”,她轻声安慰自己,向自己保证这个男人不是在玷污她,而是在暗中操纵她。她是故意配合的。
两人逐渐爬上山坡,拍照的动作一刻也没有停歇。她摆出各种姿势,双手在臀部游走,然后隐藏,然后神秘地招摇胸部,强调细节,这一切都要归功于他。多亏了摄影师以敬畏的态度暴露画面,细腻地处理女孩身体的每一个部位。爬上山顶,她呼出肺里的空气,凝视着下面蔓延的河流,双手从乳房慢慢向下游移,紧紧抓住内裤的边缘,将其拉下。
“准备好了。”塔尼娅低声说道。
她的脑海中闪过一段记忆:在一家商店里,两个女孩躲在密布的屏风后面,金发女孩的上衣湿漉漉的,不雅地贴在她年轻的乳房上,而她的粉发朋友则有着光滑的阴部和一些有趣的东西,她匆忙地展示着这些东西,但塔蒂亚娜却看不到。她愣住了,抬起双手,向后绕去。她的头发在微风中散开,衬托着她的脸。他顺着她的身体游走,闭上眼睛,她享受着他的气息。一个男人悄悄地从一旁走来。他将她的手臂抬高一些,拾起女孩耳后的乱发,但她抗拒着,松开了,任由风继续吹拂。摄影师的手在女孩的下巴上移动了一英寸,这次她顺从了。他的触碰让她喘不过气来。仿佛肺里的空气一下子都被吸走了,取而代之的是一种棒状的混合物。摄影师的抚摸让人感到灼热,仿佛熔化的蜡从他的手指滴落到女孩的身体上。他退后一步,从侧面拍摄她。她的姿势和手势成为自由感、未来可能性和独立性的象征。她觉得世界就在眼前,随时可以探索和征服。她的姿势表达了自信和准备迎接生活挑战的精神。她感觉自己失重了,只有相机让她不至于被一阵狂风从地面撕扯下来,带着她飞越地平线。相机和他的目光
转过身来,坦尼娅正开心地笑着,脸上闪耀着光芒,尴尬的红晕仍不愿褪去。摄影师走过来,展示刚刚拍摄的照片。女孩仔细看了看,选择了其中一张,在这里,为了他,她克服了内心的抗拒。梦想实现了。
在回城的路上,她轻松地坐在前座上:
"谢谢你 非常感谢。"
“也谢谢你,”摄影师亲切地笑道,“你会拍到好照片的。”
她停顿了一分钟,脑子里思绪万千,然后下定了决心:
“不,你不明白”,忘了他们已经换成了 “你”,女孩开始说,"我已经 29 岁了。而且......你是第一个看到我这个样子的男人,也是第一个看到我裸体的男人。
“什么意思?”摄影师把目光从路面上移开,看着女孩,眉毛惊讶地挑了起来。
"我来自一个宗教家庭。你很难找到比我母亲更严厉的女人了。我从未见过我的父亲。提到他都是禁忌。从很小的时候起,她就把我带到一个严格的框架中,强调宗教信仰,规定我绝不能违反。“她继续说道,”我从未亲吻过任何人,也从未和任何男人在一起过。我至今仍未经人事。更重要的是,我从未谈过恋爱。你可能已经意识到,我从未被任何男人看过裸体。我的一生都被严格束缚着 母亲让我学什么我就学什么,母亲让我去哪里我就去哪里,我觉得我必须为了她、为了她去做这些事。毕业后,我开始在一家教堂商店工作,陪伴我的是一位挑剔的老妇人,她可能经历过十字军东征。在我之前,妈妈就在那里工作,后来她决定把这份责任传给女儿。
塔蒂亚娜从口袋里掏出一朵从山上摘下的野花。她把它拿到眼前。摄影师静静地等待着,生怕打扰了她的忏悔。
"我意识到,现在,就像这朵花一样,我正处于美丽的顶峰。也许还处于最后阶段。以后,我也会如此。我不会再像现在这么美了,“塔蒂亚娜的声音有些颤抖,她转过身去,看向窗外,”这次拍照是一种抗议。抗议我的成长经历。抗议我自幼受尽折磨、支离破碎的体制。事实上,我花了很长时间才迈出这一步。你知道吗--我希望你把这些照片放到你的网页上。尤其是最后一张。我睡着了,醒来时还在想这件事,工作、吃午饭、和母亲一起祈祷,在我的脑海里,我在决定,在哭泣,在痛苦中无法战胜自己"。
转过身面对摄影师,她的眼中闪过一丝亮光,声音也有了前所未有的力量:
"我想让所有人都看到我的照片,包括我妈妈。即使她让我滚出她的公寓,滚出她的生活。即使她说我不再是她的女儿了。我不能再自欺欺人,好像一切都很正常。事实并非如此 一点都不正常 你知道她怎么形容我的童贞吗?在正义面前必须倒塌的耶利哥城墙 没有支持,没有理解 只有规则、禁令、禁忌和惩罚 不,我甚至不会等她来赶我走 我会自己离开。春天的时候我就收拾好了行李,我不敢,我害怕。但现在我没什么好怕的了。最近,一个以前的同学邀请我去面试,我说我会考虑的。现在我觉得这是个好主意。再见教堂商店!再见有限的人生"。
说完,她再次望向窗外,前方的城市正在启动。手握方向盘的男人小心翼翼地驾驶着汽车,穿过繁忙的车流。回想着听到的一切,他沉默不语。对他来说,这不是一个普通的情况。
“请问......”
“我们在电话里说好了用名字的。”
"对不起,我一定是说了什么蠢话。但我需要谈谈。事实上,我没有人可以倾诉。这些年来,我没有交过任何女朋友。不过我并不感到惊讶,我交过的... 都和我一样被生活所困。"
"你没什么好道歉的 这对你很重要。拍照和忏悔是你人生中重要的一步。我保证--你的照片会出现在我的页面上,也会出现在应用程序上。"
“我需要为此付钱吗?”
"别开玩笑了。另外,我有个提议。我的一个好朋友要在画廊举办我的作品展。如果你不介意的话,我想展出一张从山顶拍的照片。"
“有趣的想法”,塔尼娅看着窗玻璃上自己的倒影笑道--我同意。
八月的太阳躲在地平线后面,把最后一缕阳光洒向女孩,女孩好像在眺望远方,不小心把手放在了男人的膝盖上,灼热的触感让人心旷神怡。
信息
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